I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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