We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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