I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
