Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
