I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
