Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Your cock deserves a montage
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
