i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
