She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
