im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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