After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
How naked do you want me to be?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
