he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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