So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
