The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
