he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
God, I missed his penis.
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