i just sent this text using only my big toe
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
