I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize