I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
