my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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