I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
