I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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