she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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