I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize