Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
