my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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