Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
