he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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