if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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