My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
