Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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