I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
