Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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