I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
