Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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