Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
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