I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
