who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
