Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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