god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize