I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
