Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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