I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
