I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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