So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
