I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
