put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
