how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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