I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
