Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
