We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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