I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
