Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Pants are for mortals
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
