if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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