If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
