Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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