I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
