so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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