I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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