did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
