You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
