So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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